Today, I took half of an old Pristiq, and now I feel like death. My heart is racing, my throat feels tight, my jaw is tense, I'm shaking, and I still feel like curling up in a tiny ball in my closet and crying. It's better than wanting to get in the bathtub and cry, but wanting to do nothing but sleep, smoke, and cry is not good, no matter where I do it.

The last couple of weeks though, I've been feeling all "mono"-y again which isn't good. I haven't been able to sleep at night, and then when I finally do get to sleep, I've been sleeping almost 12 hours. I've been missing a lot of work. I actually had things to do today, and I slept until 1:30... Granted, I didn't get to sleep until about 4AM, soo... But I took a 2-hour nap when I got home. Completely by accident, too, I was just that exhausted.

I haven't even been feeling sad, really lately. I know I usually come on here to talk about how much my life sucks and how I'm super emo, and my life isn't really any better than the last time I posted. I've been seeing a therapist on occasion - when I've talked to everyone else, as much as I feel like I can, but haven't really been able to express my feelings or get good/honest-sounding feedback.

Okay, fuck it, here's the complaint of the month: I've been dating this guy, who Kay calls Brownbear, but his name is Ryan. Sort of dating him. We hang out and I always have a good time, I think he does too, but I don't know if they're really dates... We have a lot of kinky sex, mostly, and talk, and cuddle. I met him on okcupid, I really like him, we haven't talked on okcupid for -jeezus-- two month, I've been "dating" him for one month, and he gets on okcupid ALL THE TIME!! So either I'm crazy/am making a way bigger deal of this than it is, or I have, yet again, chosen to like a guy who won't just be in a fucking relationship with me. He's nice to me, and he talks to me like I'm going to be around next month, but then he checks okcupid on his iPhone while he's still in fucking bed with me! What the fuck is that?!?!

If I had only one okay sign, and then this bad sign, I would say "okay, he obviously doesn't really like me." and be super sad, confront him about it, the relationship or whatever would be stabbed to death, get ever more depressed about it for about 2 months, and then go back to being lady who dies and cats eat her face (unless it's on a Monday). But he does so many things that are good! That's why I'm so fucking confused!

Everyone's told me that I need to talk to him about it, and I know I do. I'm going to talk to him about what we're doing (fuck-buddies, dating, relationship, what?!) the next time I see him, but I don't know when that is. He started working nights last night, and I texted him at 9:45PM (he works from 6pm-3am), and he never texted me back. Which I'm not taking too seriously, because there's a pretty good chance he was moving his stuff into his office and was busy, but he still checked his okcupid at 11-something. Probably on his iPhone, which means he totally saw that I texted him. But he didn't text me back. And he didn't text me today. I just saw him Monday, so I'm only freaking out a little, and it could just be the Pristiq... I just don't know what to do in this situation.

Will you be my boyfriend and not date other people, and at least change what you're looking for on okcupid to just friends? I'm not even asking that you stop checking that thing all the time, just don't date anyone else. Stop looking for other people. I don't think that's too much to ask.

Also, I have to take my massage exam. Now. Right now. I have to take it. Even if I don't pass it, I have to take it so my brain will go back to working. I hope that I pass it because if I don't that's $200 dollars down to nothing, but even if I don't pass, I have to take it.

I also have to take a course on motorcycle safety because I'm getting a scooter in October! AWESOME! :D (<=possibly the only smiley face in this incredibly emo blog)

And I want get an iPhone, so that's at least another $200...

Anyone out there want to give me $600? It'll make me happy. I'll blog about you and have sooo many smiley faces it'll counter the rest of this blog being to depressing... maybe. Probably not actually, but I'd still do it.

Le sigh... I'm going to go take some melatonin and drink velarian tea. If I don't end up in a coma, then this depression has gone too far!

I know I've said it before, but my life just sucks. I cut myself this past week because it got to a point of suckage where I just couldn't stand it anymore. I can't tolerate it anymore. I mean, if it's JUST life, everything's routine, I don't have to think about anything, then I'm fine. It's not the best, but it's just what's going on. Nothing else is going on. I don't have to think about maybe getting a job somewhere or maybe getting a boyfriend or maybe, maybe, MAYBE, etc... Something MIGHT just happen! It never DOES, but hey! it might! MAYBE!

Hope has got to be the worst curse on the planet. My month-to-month life is like consistently being Christian and finding out there is no heaven. Every month I have faith in something, then it comes to the end of that whatever-it-is, and it's not there. The cake was a motherfucking LIE. And EVERYTIME, I believe there's going to be some god damn cake. Because I'm retarded.

I just keep freaking out. I mean, I know all this bullshit doesn't even matter, but I keep getting SO upset about it and crying until I almost throw up. I have a job. It sucks, and I don't have anything to gain, socially, from it, but it's a paycheck. I mean, I was alone, boyfriendless and pretty much friendless for a really long time, so why do I need all that now? Why do I have to make such a big deal out of it?

Four months ago, or so, I didn't care. At least, I didn't care as much... So I'm going to die alone and my cats will eat bits of me before my mum will find my corpse because she's the only one who really comes by regularly...

It's not like NO one cares about me... I just never see them...

Maybe I should kill myself. On a Monday. That way at least the cats won't eat bits of me. Would it be better to end it now than to go on seeing if it'll get better? I mean, there are moments, even an occasional solid year of good times, satisfaction and fulfillment. Even then I'm still depressed under it all though.

How long can I keep living like this?

FML

I had the worst day yesterday.
I texted Kelly before I went to Dad's for his birthday (my trifle was awesome, btw, everyone loved it) because he'd texted me at like 2:30 in the morning and I was asleep ("mew)"), but we didn't say much. Then when I got home I just felt really...empty, I guess. Lonely. Tom didn't seem to care at all about my trifle or that I made it, and didn't eat any, and of course I got no recognition from Dad about anything even though I talk to him more than anyone else. He told me on Wednesday, I think, that Grandmama has stomach cancer and that's why it keeps bleeding, and was like "I haven't told anyone else yet." He always tells me that! It's so fucking stressful. Like why are you telling me that? Especially if you're going to see everyone on Saturday; can't you just wait?! And he'd left it to me to tell everyone that she was back in the hospital. But then he doesn't know what movies I like after I've told him, or what kind of music, or that I can cook at all.

Anyway, so I asked Kelly after I got home what he was up to, and he said he was racing, and I waited a bit 'cause I was putting clothes away anyway, and asked if he would be interested in doing something Sunday or Monday, and he never said anything...I knew I shouldn't have asked him! I thought that would be way too clingy because I just saw him Thursday, but I asked anyway. No response. Felt like shit when I woke up because I know I killed it. If I ever hear from him again I will be shocked...or at least surprised. Then you know what I did? Well, wait a minute. First I woke up, regressed in my bad habits, talked to Nick and he and Dana were going hiking with Kane (no invite there either, not that they EVER invite me to that kind of thing or really talk to me much at all), so I kind of invited myself to go with them, took a nap, then they canceled their plans, so I texted Kelly again! Because I am an idiot! No response. "hey meowzers"?! WTF is wrong with me?! Just because he says "Mew" instead of "hey" and his nickname is Kitty, doesn't mean I can call him Meowzers. Ugh!
Also I'm like 98% sure now that Sonny either just wants to be friends, or really doesn't care if I never talk to him again. Because he, like everyone else, doesn't start conversations with me.
I talked to Shawn though, to see if he wanted to do something --I was crawling out of my skin all day-- and he called me honey or sweety or something of that sentiment and although he couldn't do anything today, invited me to go camping with him next weekend. I said maybe because I don't care much for camping. We'll see how that goes.
But yeah. I am an idiot. And I messaged that guy who asked me to Clash of the Titans with him and his friends, and said that sure I'd like to get a cup of coffee with him sometime, even though I don't. I'm desperate for attention, I guess... And that other guy who I actually had a conversation going with hasn't messaged me back after that last message I sent him on Thursday. So that's probably going nowhere...seems like people that talk to me, would rather not...
So I was in suck a shitty mood I needed a drink and something unhealthy to eat. Went to Target, and they were closed for Easter Sunday, so I had to go to RANDELL'S. There, I got beer, and two frozen pizza's because even though I only wanted one, what kind of sad loser would I look like if I got one frozen pizza and a six-pack of beer? A big one. Which I am, but people who don't know me have no right to make that judgement.
So pretty much, I am in a mega rut. I don't even have a not very good friend to hang out with any more. I've got my cats. Otherwise, I'm just scraping the barrel of love and coming up empty more often than not.
I miss Korey. Korey would talk to me. Of course, without Kay to take a lot of my attention, I'm sure I would just suffocate him.
I can't believe I texted Kelly today! How retarded am I?! Did dating people who tell me how clingy and suffocating I am teach me nothing?
...Even Steven's had girlfriends. That's just so depressing... He's a fat douche and he's had like 3 girlfriends since we broke up... I've had one...sort of. And I'm the screwed up one from that relationship! So I get screwed up and I get no dates, or at least none that kiss me or call me after. And I've tried trying, I've tried not trying, I've given up and not tried at all...

I mean, that really isn't fair, because guys on OkCupid have talked to me, but they're all either old or I am not physically attracted to them. Obviously I am just not desperate enough, because I pass up all these sweet 40-year-olds and unattractive people... I don't think I have high standards, either. I'll date someone who's not hot, and I don't even like 'fit' guys. I mean, come on I practically have a fetish for glasses and programming! --I should really get over that programming one. I have never met a non-asshole programmer. Programmers are out. I am making a memo!-- Point is, it's not like I'm wanting some super hawt indie-rock heart throb! I would go on a date with one if he seemed pleasant and agreeable and wanted to date me, but I don't want to lower my standards to people I'm not attracted to! I mean...why isn't anyone attracted to me?!

People say I'm pretty and funny and sweet and smart but then no one wants to date me...They'll be my friend and they might want to have casual sex with me but not date me. Not actually get into a romantic relationship with me.

Really, I shouldn't even be thinking about this kind of thing any more. So no one wants to be romantic with me or cuddle with me or even kiss me, or -god forbid!-- start a family with me... I've got other things to worry about.

Like how I'm an idiot. And I need to get my massage license and a better job. One that actually needs me around so I can have a little self-respect. I should get my motorcycle license so I can get a scooter that I've wanted for forever. Fill all this extra time that I am apparently never going to fill with people and love with work and success...

Larry called me today. I'm done paying off my tuition... Aren't you happy for me? No one commented on my facebook post...

ugh! oh noez!

Why must my romantic life be so damn annoying and frustrating? Why why why???

Blarg. Okay, so right now I have at least 2 people that are...weird, and another guy who looks promising and some other guy that has actually asked me out.

2 People:

Sonny: Never met him. He's nice, but what does he want? Does he want to date me when he moves down here, or does he just want to be friends? If I weren't a pansy, I'd ask.

Kelly: We hang out. I have a mega-crush on him, but I'm pretty sure he has no romantic interest in me. He'd probably have sex with me if I initiated something, but I don't think I want to do that. And if I had sex more recently than a FUCKING YEAR ago then I don't know if I would even have a crush on him... he's sweet in a stray dog kind of way... you know, like he's cute and he seems like he really needs a lot of love, but who's to say he's not fucked up and won't rip your throat out in your sleep?

Other guy: Okcupid fellow that's messaged me twice. If he asks me out, I MAY actually take him up on it. I don't even know why any more.

OTHER other guy: I have no idea. He asked me if I wanted to join him and a few friends to see Clash of the Titans tonight, I said 'no' because I'm seeing it with Da' tomorrow for his birthday, and he responded asking if I'd like to get coffee sometime instead. Would I like to get coffee sometime instead???

Here's the issue: There area two people I actually like. Sonny is nice and seemingly stable, and has actual possibilities, but he's not in this state for another month, and even then, might not be in Austin. He could move to San Marcos instead. And what's more, he could not even WANT to date me. I could be turning people down --after not even KISSING a guy for more than a year-- and he could just want to be friends. What THEN??? And I would be perfectly okay with being just friends with him, for the record. He's funny and nice. I haven't met him in person, so he could be a bit different, but I just think he's a cool person. *shrug* Maybe that means he's worth waiting for, but I don't know WHAT I'm waiting for. Plus, he's been in town and he didn't text me or call me and want to meet up or anything. In fact, he's NEVER called me. Not in the 4 months we've been talking.
Maybe I should stop with the hoping and start with the waking up and smelling the rejection.

Kelly is...quite possibly crazy. He seems really nice, and like a lot of girls have seriously fucked him over, but he's also got that scary paranoia thing... I never thought I'd meet someone more scared of the world than I am, but there he is...Armed. Leave it to me to find and have a mega-crush on him. Fuuuck. I don't really even know much about him. He totally could have had sex with me the first time we hung out, though, and he didn't. He hasn't really flirted with me either, that I've noticed...but he has stared at my boobs... I don't know. Every time we hang out I end up giving him a massage, too...haha. I likes me some non-sexual human contact WAY more than I like the other kind! :)

I guess it shows that I'm in a better mood that I don't just automatically assume that neither of them want anything to do with me. There are a few other guys I could attempt dating maybe... I don't know that I want to, though.
I only recently realized how much Steven messed me up. I mean, I remember what I was like in high school, so I know I was already messed up, but he really fucked my opinion of guys, and what my expectations in a relationship are. I don't think Jonathan helped, seeing as he is crazy and seemed to think I was retarded, but at least he was nice. I just need to forget what I think guys want...

It's different from what I normally think, but I really wish someone would care what I look like. I wish there were someone with me in the mornings to tell me my skirt is too short, or my boobs look nice or "your boots are ugly as sin, why do you keep them around?" Buuut no one cares but me, and I only care half the time because if no one else cares, why should I put in an effort? And then I don't want to dress too prettily because I either think it's lying or I think "but what if I go on a date or something? That nice outfit will be dirty." Then I never do go on a date and end up wearing the outfit and feeling depressed

horrid

Kay and I aren't friends anymore. It actually doesn't bother me THAT much, except that I was so dependent on her for companionship that I don't have anyone to really hang out with any more. And she just kind of stopped talking to me. Or rather we stopped talking to each other, and I just meant it to be temporary, but I was being kind of bitchy. I could stand by that she had been especially antagonistic for the last month, but that really doesn't make a difference. Two antagonists doesn't make a friendship. She was just being kind of hateful and argumentative, but after that stupid party thing I basically indirectly called her stupid, and threw out the last piece of her grandma's sofa. I still don't think she really wanted the sofa. When I bought it she went on and on about how ugly and uncomfortable she thought it was, and that piece was the least space-efficient.

I guess the only regret I have is staying such close friends with her for that long. At some point I think we just both lost respect for each other, and while we pretended to be close, anger and resentment just festered under the surface...like something gross that festers. An infected friendship.

I've been trying the craigslist thing, and I think it may work out okay with a couple of them, but I'm going to try to become closer friends with people I already know. I just have to keep in mind that a friend isn't someone you spend as much time as possible with. It's not a sexless boyfriend replacement...or a hobby. But then, if I have a bunch of friends, how do I get close to any of them?

On another note, I'm poor as fuck. I just got a thing from bluecross blueshield saying that I owe doctor rhodes $70. And I owe the fucking library $70. I owe city of austin $60 and texas gas... a lot. Like $150 or something because last month's didn't go through. Again. I really need a job that pays worth a damn. Or at least one that isn't filled with dying people and boring paper work about how no one really cares or wants to care for them. I don't get paid enough to be bored to tears and hate my life. I need to get my massage license something fierce. Even if I only work part time, I think I'll still get paid more and NOT hate my life. Joy of joys.

I still don't have a boyfriend; surprise surprise. After 16 MONTHS I think I've FINALLY stopped caring so much. Although if it's effecting my friendships, I should really keep trying to get one. Just not one that sucks this time... :/

A side note, completely devoid of irony: I'm pretty sure I have the depression again. The desire to sleep perforates my soul, nor do I want to eat especially, or do anything else productive. My brain is dead and my spirit fades off and on. I feel like a giant listless blob. If I weren't so damn poor, I'd stay home for two weeks, smoke a whoooole bunch of rettas and lose 20 pounds again, but I AM damn poor.

I need to move again. This place is too expensive... but where to...

*sigh*

Katy:

hates men for being stupid and unreasonable...and stupid...

I've been talking to this guy that I met on okcupid (I made another account, because I, like men, am stupid), he was actually the first guy to message me. He seems really nice, and funny, and I THINK that he likes me. Here's why:

1) He calls me katy lady (nicknames are good, right?)

2) We text EVERY DAY. After he didn't text me for 2 days, one of which was Christmas (who expects a text from an almost complete stranger on fucking x-mas?!) he texted and APOLOGIZED for not texting because he forgot his phone.

3) he's called me cute and awesome...not in the last couple days though...

4) he doesn't have casual sex OR short-term dating on his wants from okcupid, so IF he doesn't like me, sex is NOT the reason...I don't think.

THIS is why I think he DOESN'T like me:

1) When I get on okcupid, and he's on, it shows he's on, and that I can talk to him, but then after a few minutes (I'm assuming after he's noticed that I'M on) he goes into hidden/can't chat mode.

2) It just doesn't seem like he really WANTS to talk to me half the time.../ I'm crazy.

I guess I have more reasons to think he likes me than I have to think he doesn't, and my EXCEEDINGLY low self-esteem isn't helping. And him not wanting to talk to me EVERY SINGLE DAY about nothing in particular isn't exactly a sign that he doesn't like ME... But I've only seriously dated two guys. Both of them HATED talking to me every day, and both of them broke up with me in REALLY DASTARDLY ways. Like...if I thought murder was okay, they'd be dead... many, many, MANY times. ...fuckers.

But this guy seems nice. Maybe I should just back off? But I don't want him to think I don't LIKE him. And he's leaving the state in a couple days.

I don't even know WHY I'm obsessing like this. I ALWAYS do this, and I don't even know WHY. It's not like I have anything to talk about. It's not like we've been dating for forever and I feel like I'm never going to see him again, or actually have a REASON to sink my claws in like a cat hovering over a bathtub...

I just don't often talk to guys that I like who actually want anything to do with me... Let alone guys who actually seem NICE... I guess I'll have to give him space, yeah? If he wants to talk to me, he will...

But we don't even have SERIOUS conversations. I don't know ANYTHING about him, he knows about the same about me. All we do is text and joke about silly shit for about 5-10 exchanges. I'm on okcupid right now, he could TOTALLY be talking to me now, but he's not. And he can see that I'm on...'cause I can see that he's on, and it was even on the main screen before he went into "radio silence" so to speak...

He doesn't want to talk to me. I should just delete my profile and not look back. I shouldn't feel so terrible about a guy I wouldn't be able to even meet until May, not wanting to text me about nothing.

Why couldn't I have been born a cheerleader...?