The last couple of weeks though, I've been feeling all "mono"-y again which isn't good. I haven't been able to sleep at night, and then when I finally do get to sleep, I've been sleeping almost 12 hours. I've been missing a lot of work. I actually had things to do today, and I slept until 1:30... Granted, I didn't get to sleep until about 4AM, soo... But I took a 2-hour nap when I got home. Completely by accident, too, I was just that exhausted.
I haven't even been feeling sad, really lately. I know I usually come on here to talk about how much my life sucks and how I'm super emo, and my life isn't really any better than the last time I posted. I've been seeing a therapist on occasion - when I've talked to everyone else, as much as I feel like I can, but haven't really been able to express my feelings or get good/honest-sounding feedback.
Okay, fuck it, here's the complaint of the month: I've been dating this guy, who Kay calls Brownbear, but his name is Ryan. Sort of dating him. We hang out and I always have a good time, I think he does too, but I don't know if they're really dates... We have a lot of kinky sex, mostly, and talk, and cuddle. I met him on okcupid, I really like him, we haven't talked on okcupid for -jeezus-- two month, I've been "dating" him for one month, and he gets on okcupid ALL THE TIME!! So either I'm crazy/am making a way bigger deal of this than it is, or I have, yet again, chosen to like a guy who won't just be in a fucking relationship with me. He's nice to me, and he talks to me like I'm going to be around next month, but then he checks okcupid on his iPhone while he's still in fucking bed with me! What the fuck is that?!?!
If I had only one okay sign, and then this bad sign, I would say "okay, he obviously doesn't really like me." and be super sad, confront him about it, the relationship or whatever would be stabbed to death, get ever more depressed about it for about 2 months, and then go back to being lady who dies and cats eat her face (unless it's on a Monday). But he does so many things that are good! That's why I'm so fucking confused!
Everyone's told me that I need to talk to him about it, and I know I do. I'm going to talk to him about what we're doing (fuck-buddies, dating, relationship, what?!) the next time I see him, but I don't know when that is. He started working nights last night, and I texted him at 9:45PM (he works from 6pm-3am), and he never texted me back. Which I'm not taking too seriously, because there's a pretty good chance he was moving his stuff into his office and was busy, but he still checked his okcupid at 11-something. Probably on his iPhone, which means he totally saw that I texted him. But he didn't text me back. And he didn't text me today. I just saw him Monday, so I'm only freaking out a little, and it could just be the Pristiq... I just don't know what to do in this situation.
Will you be my boyfriend and not date other people, and at least change what you're looking for on okcupid to just friends? I'm not even asking that you stop checking that thing all the time, just don't date anyone else. Stop looking for other people. I don't think that's too much to ask.
Also, I have to take my massage exam. Now. Right now. I have to take it. Even if I don't pass it, I have to take it so my brain will go back to working. I hope that I pass it because if I don't that's $200 dollars down to nothing, but even if I don't pass, I have to take it.
I also have to take a course on motorcycle safety because I'm getting a scooter in October! AWESOME! :D (<=possibly the only smiley face in this incredibly emo blog)
And I want get an iPhone, so that's at least another $200...
Anyone out there want to give me $600? It'll make me happy. I'll blog about you and have sooo many smiley faces it'll counter the rest of this blog being to depressing... maybe. Probably not actually, but I'd still do it.
Le sigh... I'm going to go take some melatonin and drink velarian tea. If I don't end up in a coma, then this depression has gone too far!
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