Okay, this is getting mighty annoying. I want Craig to message me back, but I haven't talked to him... I really don't think this is fair. He's just supposed to know what I want? He's just supposed to know that I'm interested, would be totally cool being friends, etc? But I don't know what to do...I 'like'-ed one of his status updates on Facebook... Can that count? Like a subtle "hey, I'm cool with you and everything that implies"? I'm just really bad at talking with people I'm not used to...I get all awkward and freeze up so my conversations end up all blocky. I think he might be able to see what kind of person I really am by the kind of things I update on facebook, but I'm a little self-conscious about how often I update, and a lot self-conscious about the kind of things I put. I just want him to let me know what he's thinking! I have no idea! ARRRG! Annoying!

Email me! Email me! Email me! Email me! Email meeeeee! Freakin' A, man!

I guess I just have to assume that he's not interested. At all. Which is super depressing. Because they have enough people in the world for their to be a club, now, for people who've met me, but aren't interested.

I may just have to get my teeth fixed...but it's just so stupid, because I don't want to date someone who's going to decide whether or not I'm worth dating based on something as meaningless as my teeth, but seeing as it seems to actually be a big deal, I can't really blame them. They must be quite a bit more ghastly than I realize. *sigh*

Yesterday, I asked Steven if he thought they were really bad and he said "they could be better" which I think is as close to an affirmation as Steven's willing to get. So yeah, they're hideous, even more so than I can wrap my head around. They're a big deal, and as long as that big deal is between my teeth, guys will not date me, and I will be miserable, alone, and wondering what I'm doing wrong.

Part of me though, think that if I get them fixed, I still wouldn't be happy. If I end up finding a guy who loves me, I'll always be wondering if he'd have loved me with a gap between my teeth.

It's just so upsetting! Why can't people just not judge so harshly on something so small as a fucking gap between my teeth!? It's extreme, in the worst sort of way, and I don't deserve this kind of harsh judgement. I'm a good, interesting, loving, funny person, and why can't I get a date?! I have a gap between my teeth. Not even bad teeth, just gapped. It's not a hygiene thing, it's just people being giant, fucking shit-heads.

But apparently, I'm going to have to get them fixed. Until I do, everything else I do to make myself pretty --wear make-up, lose weight, wear nice, flattering clothes, do my hair--is going to be completely pointless, because as soon as I open my mouth, that's it. The final judgement is made; turn in your ballets, I'm done. Another reason I should learn sign language...then I can pretend to be deaf, or gouge out my ear drums or something, and vuala! Crisis averted. I'll never have to open my mouth again.

So stupid. Forced by an egotistical society to straighten my teeth. Like the same people who are discriminating don't have more serious issues than dental correctness...

And then after I get my teeth fixed, then what's it going to be? My weight? My neck? My freckles? ...Most likely my weight, actually. I think it'll pretty much stop there.

But why can't I just be considered pretty?! I am fucking pretty. I have a nice body, a pretty face, and an awesome personality, I just have bo-funked teeth, and we're supposed to draw the line there?

Yes. Because they're the kind of bo-funked that you can't stop staring at. Like a giant mole, or a unibrow...

My self-esteem's getting to the point where I can't even get myself off anymore, because I can't believe anyone really wants to have sex with me. I can't even fantasize without thinking of my goddamn teeth!

It really should not matter that much...

I think I just need a (seemingly impossible to find) self-esteem boost. Need to get out there and have lots of sex. Fuel for the alone time...

I wonder if I had better teeth, if Craig would've message me...

I don't think I care if Craig, specifically, messaged me. I just want someone whom I can be mutually attracted to be mutually looking for me...or just not be avoiding me...okay, so I want him to find me 'cause I never leave the apartment! I'm out and about sometimes...I just want something good to happy in my love life. It'd be a welcome change...

I'm in a horrible mood today; I was in a worse mood yesterday. I'll probably be okay tomorrow, though. I just feel like 'go ahead and ignore me, everyone else does'. Pretty self-pittying mood, but things just don't generally happen the way I want them to. Part of it is just me being lazy, sure, but the other part is controled by other people, and I can't make someone do something. Even if I could, I don't think I would; that just seems wrong.
No one wants to date me. That's basically the jist of this shit-tastic mood. And I need, need, NEED to take my massage exam. I have an interview with BookPeople, though. Just got it. SUPER excited.
I'm considering Paul. Not saying I'm actually going to ask him out, but he's a nice guy, and he's always been nice, and I'm pretty sure he'd be more understanding about my short-comings than most would. But I'm not attracted to him. I mean, I've had moments of attraction, but I can't tell how much they coincide with horniness, and I really like Paul; I don't just want to start something I don't think would last. How selfish. It's the same with Dylon. I don't really know him as well as Paul, but he's Kay's friend (plus some) and I don't want to mess things up with him and have things just go to shit from there. I want to be in a relationship, but I don't want to screw up other relationships, whether they're mine or someone elses, for the sake of a warm lap and sex.
I think the worst part is that I don't understand why no one seems to want to date me. Is it the way I look or act, or do I just have an air about me that says "DO NOT DATE"? I don't know. I don't want to believe it's how I act, above anything else, because I like my personality. I am loving and honest and maintain a childish inosense that most lose in Jr. High. I speak my mind, I don't play head games, I try not to have expectations for a relationship and just go with the flow. So then I think it must be how I look, but I don't think I look too bad. I mean, girls tell me I look pretty or hot or cute all the time; I don't know if I should believe them, though, as my experience with men says the opposite. The other option is that I have a "DO NOT DATE" air. I feel like a crazy bitch, or a slut, or like someone who wouldn't put out. I don't even know if it has anything to do with sex at all! But it's hard to imagine a guy thinking I wouldn't be a good mother or that I don't look like the committment type. So, I have no idea. I'm undesireable, and that's all I know. Men do not want to date me. Some want to have sex with me, but none want to date me. It really makes me disgusted with myself to think I'm that kind of person. I'm not that kind of person, but apparently I seem like I am to some guys. Or maybe any girl with boobs or eye make-up seems like that to those kind of guys. Don't know, don't care.
I have to apologize for things I previously said about Kay. I talked to her Sunday, on the way back from RenFair, and I don't think she's trying to be attention seeking. I think she's just always thinking and worrying about Perry, her marriage, and her life. She told me in the car that she had always thought, growing up, that getting married was something that she was just supposed to do, and that it would complete her, but now she's realized that it doesn't. She was a complete person before, and that she thinks she's made a mistake. She also said that although she regrets marrying Perry, that she's not ready to not be married. Or she's not ready to throw the towel in just yet, which I respect. I just hope she realizes that there can be a limit to how much she can take. She can say 'okay, if this is still shitty in 5 years, that's it'. I don't think anyone would think less of her. I mean, all the other girls we know that got married and got divorced, got divorced within like, the first one or two years. Even I think that's a bit unreasonable...I just don't want her to be miserable in marriage for the same kind of innocent ignorance that I think is behind her getting married to begin with...

The idea is that I have to be the best Me I can be, but I have to be me, and that's supposed to be good enough. Me, all by myself, without any kind of false additive, or lie, should be enough. I should be enough all by myself. But at the same time that I'm being myself, without any lies or falsehoods, I have to know that I'm good enough to be courted (so to speak) even though I get asked out so very rarely. So, I'm not confident at all, but in order to appear as the best me, I have to appear to be, but without lying. So, I have to be real, but the best real, but in order to be the best real, I have to fake it... Sucks. And of course, guys, unlike Kay, do not find self-conscious awkwardness attractive. In fact, most of them find it very unattractive.

Of course, if I think of this as a friend-date, then I can be perfectly confident, because who gives a damn if I'm attractive or not? A friend wouldn't. But honestly, I don't think that someone on okcupid would want to just be friends, no matter what their profile says. Just like I find it almost impossible that any male of any species would not want to have sex. It seems a bit unbelievable, but I suppose if there's a real guy like that, and he really is more desiring of love as well, that's a good thing for me...right?

I'm having a pretty terrible day today. I've just been so stressed out by everything that's going on in my life right now, which I don't feel I have to get into.

But Kay's called me twice today, I'm assuming for the same reason each time, but I only answered the once. She wanted to know if I wanted to hang out tonight, which I didn't care either way, atold her on the phone that I wouldn't mind, but I don't know what we'd do, and she was like "oh, nevermind; I'll text you, and then basically just texted me "I guess I won't come over, nm" and when I asked said it was because it didn't seem like I wanted her to...It just really pisses me off. WHY would I say anything even resembling a yes if the answer was really no? Like, "yeah, let's hang out so I can be miserable the whole time because I so definitely don't want to hang out"? WTF? I think she just heard that I wasn't in an awesome mood, and decided she didn't want to hang out with me, which if she'd said that would've been fine, because it would've made since. But how long has she hung out with me, that she should know I don't bullshit people? Honestly!

I suppose, though, it probably is good that we aren't hanging out tonight, seeing as she's one of the things that's stressing me out. It's like, we're fine when we're just having fun and she's not talking about the complexities of her marriage and her poor, unfortunate husband, etc., but she talks about him and her marriage about 90% of the fucking time! I don't mind hearing about Perry if it's actually in the conversation, but there really isn't any reason for him to be the conversation as often as he is, or even come up in conversation as often as he does. He's her entire life, all-consuming, and there is very little else, and even if it makes her miserable, that's what she wants. In fact, it's like the more it makes her miserable over-all, the more she likes it. Like, "look how hard my marriage is! I have to work really hard to make it work out! It's how a marriage should be. Long-suffering, difficult, and probably not worth it." It hurts to watch, which is why I don't want to know anything about it. It disgusts me. The whole thing.

I just don't think I can tolerate her too much longer.

Let's make my list of stress reasons:

1.) Kay, and all listed above

2.) Arlan, and his EXTREME deuche-baggery, making work suck more than usual

3.) I have to take my massage licensing exam, which costs $200 per go, failed once already, and am completely unsure of myself about anything bio-chem-related (not knowing where Melatonin comes from made me cry last night)

4.) Then there's this guy who I'm meeting on Thursday, for a not-a-date, or friend-date, whichever.

Which is stressful for two reasons:

a.) because I'm meeting someone new

b.) because no one ever wants to date me (presumably because I'm a gap-toothed cow.)

5.) I have body images issues

6.) My apartment's a mess

7.) Thistles keeps fucking waking me up, and there's nothing I can do about it! This morning, I just opted for doing nothing, because I was so stressed out I though if I tried to do anything, I'd end up doing some serious damage to his little kitty skeleton

8.) Book People still hasn't called me, and Nick says he doesn't know if they'd tell him if they weren't going to hire me, but I REALLY need a second job

9.) I'm always broke.

10.) This morning I had no food in my house except for left over curry, an apple and a thing of nutella

11.) I'm trying really hard to quit smoking, but there's only so much Juicy Fruit can do

and then finally, as a little gift from my subconscious, I had a dream this morning that Mum died, and I was freaking out, on top of being horribly upset, because not only was my mum dead, but I am very dependent on her to live, so if she was dead, how can I take care of myself? I can't, that's how, because I don't have a job to pay my bills, and the job I do have, that doesn't pay my bills, is through her! So in this dream, much like in real life, I am completely helpless, without much to do about it.

*sigh* and what did I accomplish today? Mum bought me groceries, and her and grandma gave me some money. Which takes care of two problems, but only emphasizes the distress brought out in my dream.

I just want to sleep for a couple weeks and hope that all this stuff will go away by then, but I can't...Not only would all my problems still be there when I woke up, but there's no way Thistle would let me sleep for even a whole day, let alone a whole week...

Life sucks, right now :(