Okay, this is getting mighty annoying. I want Craig to message me back, but I haven't talked to him... I really don't think this is fair. He's just supposed to know what I want? He's just supposed to know that I'm interested, would be totally cool being friends, etc? But I don't know what to do...I 'like'-ed one of his status updates on Facebook... Can that count? Like a subtle "hey, I'm cool with you and everything that implies"? I'm just really bad at talking with people I'm not used to...I get all awkward and freeze up so my conversations end up all blocky. I think he might be able to see what kind of person I really am by the kind of things I update on facebook, but I'm a little self-conscious about how often I update, and a lot self-conscious about the kind of things I put. I just want him to let me know what he's thinking! I have no idea! ARRRG! Annoying!

Email me! Email me! Email me! Email me! Email meeeeee! Freakin' A, man!

I guess I just have to assume that he's not interested. At all. Which is super depressing. Because they have enough people in the world for their to be a club, now, for people who've met me, but aren't interested.

I may just have to get my teeth fixed...but it's just so stupid, because I don't want to date someone who's going to decide whether or not I'm worth dating based on something as meaningless as my teeth, but seeing as it seems to actually be a big deal, I can't really blame them. They must be quite a bit more ghastly than I realize. *sigh*

Yesterday, I asked Steven if he thought they were really bad and he said "they could be better" which I think is as close to an affirmation as Steven's willing to get. So yeah, they're hideous, even more so than I can wrap my head around. They're a big deal, and as long as that big deal is between my teeth, guys will not date me, and I will be miserable, alone, and wondering what I'm doing wrong.

Part of me though, think that if I get them fixed, I still wouldn't be happy. If I end up finding a guy who loves me, I'll always be wondering if he'd have loved me with a gap between my teeth.

It's just so upsetting! Why can't people just not judge so harshly on something so small as a fucking gap between my teeth!? It's extreme, in the worst sort of way, and I don't deserve this kind of harsh judgement. I'm a good, interesting, loving, funny person, and why can't I get a date?! I have a gap between my teeth. Not even bad teeth, just gapped. It's not a hygiene thing, it's just people being giant, fucking shit-heads.

But apparently, I'm going to have to get them fixed. Until I do, everything else I do to make myself pretty --wear make-up, lose weight, wear nice, flattering clothes, do my hair--is going to be completely pointless, because as soon as I open my mouth, that's it. The final judgement is made; turn in your ballets, I'm done. Another reason I should learn sign language...then I can pretend to be deaf, or gouge out my ear drums or something, and vuala! Crisis averted. I'll never have to open my mouth again.

So stupid. Forced by an egotistical society to straighten my teeth. Like the same people who are discriminating don't have more serious issues than dental correctness...

And then after I get my teeth fixed, then what's it going to be? My weight? My neck? My freckles? ...Most likely my weight, actually. I think it'll pretty much stop there.

But why can't I just be considered pretty?! I am fucking pretty. I have a nice body, a pretty face, and an awesome personality, I just have bo-funked teeth, and we're supposed to draw the line there?

Yes. Because they're the kind of bo-funked that you can't stop staring at. Like a giant mole, or a unibrow...

My self-esteem's getting to the point where I can't even get myself off anymore, because I can't believe anyone really wants to have sex with me. I can't even fantasize without thinking of my goddamn teeth!

It really should not matter that much...

I think I just need a (seemingly impossible to find) self-esteem boost. Need to get out there and have lots of sex. Fuel for the alone time...

I wonder if I had better teeth, if Craig would've message me...

I don't think I care if Craig, specifically, messaged me. I just want someone whom I can be mutually attracted to be mutually looking for me...or just not be avoiding me...okay, so I want him to find me 'cause I never leave the apartment! I'm out and about sometimes...I just want something good to happy in my love life. It'd be a welcome change...