It's different from what I normally think, but I really wish someone would care what I look like. I wish there were someone with me in the mornings to tell me my skirt is too short, or my boobs look nice or "your boots are ugly as sin, why do you keep them around?" Buuut no one cares but me, and I only care half the time because if no one else cares, why should I put in an effort? And then I don't want to dress too prettily because I either think it's lying or I think "but what if I go on a date or something? That nice outfit will be dirty." Then I never do go on a date and end up wearing the outfit and feeling depressed

horrid

Kay and I aren't friends anymore. It actually doesn't bother me THAT much, except that I was so dependent on her for companionship that I don't have anyone to really hang out with any more. And she just kind of stopped talking to me. Or rather we stopped talking to each other, and I just meant it to be temporary, but I was being kind of bitchy. I could stand by that she had been especially antagonistic for the last month, but that really doesn't make a difference. Two antagonists doesn't make a friendship. She was just being kind of hateful and argumentative, but after that stupid party thing I basically indirectly called her stupid, and threw out the last piece of her grandma's sofa. I still don't think she really wanted the sofa. When I bought it she went on and on about how ugly and uncomfortable she thought it was, and that piece was the least space-efficient.

I guess the only regret I have is staying such close friends with her for that long. At some point I think we just both lost respect for each other, and while we pretended to be close, anger and resentment just festered under the surface...like something gross that festers. An infected friendship.

I've been trying the craigslist thing, and I think it may work out okay with a couple of them, but I'm going to try to become closer friends with people I already know. I just have to keep in mind that a friend isn't someone you spend as much time as possible with. It's not a sexless boyfriend replacement...or a hobby. But then, if I have a bunch of friends, how do I get close to any of them?

On another note, I'm poor as fuck. I just got a thing from bluecross blueshield saying that I owe doctor rhodes $70. And I owe the fucking library $70. I owe city of austin $60 and texas gas... a lot. Like $150 or something because last month's didn't go through. Again. I really need a job that pays worth a damn. Or at least one that isn't filled with dying people and boring paper work about how no one really cares or wants to care for them. I don't get paid enough to be bored to tears and hate my life. I need to get my massage license something fierce. Even if I only work part time, I think I'll still get paid more and NOT hate my life. Joy of joys.

I still don't have a boyfriend; surprise surprise. After 16 MONTHS I think I've FINALLY stopped caring so much. Although if it's effecting my friendships, I should really keep trying to get one. Just not one that sucks this time... :/

A side note, completely devoid of irony: I'm pretty sure I have the depression again. The desire to sleep perforates my soul, nor do I want to eat especially, or do anything else productive. My brain is dead and my spirit fades off and on. I feel like a giant listless blob. If I weren't so damn poor, I'd stay home for two weeks, smoke a whoooole bunch of rettas and lose 20 pounds again, but I AM damn poor.

I need to move again. This place is too expensive... but where to...

*sigh*