I texted Kelly before I went to Dad's for his birthday (my trifle was awesome, btw, everyone loved it) because he'd texted me at like 2:30 in the morning and I was asleep ("mew)"), but we didn't say much. Then when I got home I just felt really...empty, I guess. Lonely. Tom didn't seem to care at all about my trifle or that I made it, and didn't eat any, and of course I got no recognition from Dad about anything even though I talk to him more than anyone else. He told me on Wednesday, I think, that Grandmama has stomach cancer and that's why it keeps bleeding, and was like "I haven't told anyone else yet." He always tells me that! It's so fucking stressful. Like why are you telling me that? Especially if you're going to see everyone on Saturday; can't you just wait?! And he'd left it to me to tell everyone that she was back in the hospital. But then he doesn't know what movies I like after I've told him, or what kind of music, or that I can cook at all.
Anyway, so I asked Kelly after I got home what he was up to, and he said he was racing, and I waited a bit 'cause I was putting clothes away anyway, and asked if he would be interested in doing something Sunday or Monday, and he never said anything...I knew I shouldn't have asked him! I thought that would be way too clingy because I just saw him Thursday, but I asked anyway. No response. Felt like shit when I woke up because I know I killed it. If I ever hear from him again I will be shocked...or at least surprised. Then you know what I did? Well, wait a minute. First I woke up, regressed in my bad habits, talked to Nick and he and Dana were going hiking with Kane (no invite there either, not that they EVER invite me to that kind of thing or really talk to me much at all), so I kind of invited myself to go with them, took a nap, then they canceled their plans, so I texted Kelly again! Because I am an idiot! No response. "hey meowzers"?! WTF is wrong with me?! Just because he says "Mew" instead of "hey" and his nickname is Kitty, doesn't mean I can call him Meowzers. Ugh!
Also I'm like 98% sure now that Sonny either just wants to be friends, or really doesn't care if I never talk to him again. Because he, like everyone else, doesn't start conversations with me.
I talked to Shawn though, to see if he wanted to do something --I was crawling out of my skin all day-- and he called me honey or sweety or something of that sentiment and although he couldn't do anything today, invited me to go camping with him next weekend. I said maybe because I don't care much for camping. We'll see how that goes.
But yeah. I am an idiot. And I messaged that guy who asked me to Clash of the Titans with him and his friends, and said that sure I'd like to get a cup of coffee with him sometime, even though I don't. I'm desperate for attention, I guess... And that other guy who I actually had a conversation going with hasn't messaged me back after that last message I sent him on Thursday. So that's probably going nowhere...seems like people that talk to me, would rather not...
So I was in suck a shitty mood I needed a drink and something unhealthy to eat. Went to Target, and they were closed for Easter Sunday, so I had to go to RANDELL'S. There, I got beer, and two frozen pizza's because even though I only wanted one, what kind of sad loser would I look like if I got one frozen pizza and a six-pack of beer? A big one. Which I am, but people who don't know me have no right to make that judgement.
So pretty much, I am in a mega rut. I don't even have a not very good friend to hang out with any more. I've got my cats. Otherwise, I'm just scraping the barrel of love and coming up empty more often than not.
I miss Korey. Korey would talk to me. Of course, without Kay to take a lot of my attention, I'm sure I would just suffocate him.
I can't believe I texted Kelly today! How retarded am I?! Did dating people who tell me how clingy and suffocating I am teach me nothing?
...Even Steven's had girlfriends. That's just so depressing... He's a fat douche and he's had like 3 girlfriends since we broke up... I've had one...sort of. And I'm the screwed up one from that relationship! So I get screwed up and I get no dates, or at least none that kiss me or call me after. And I've tried trying, I've tried not trying, I've given up and not tried at all...
I mean, that really isn't fair, because guys on OkCupid have talked to me, but they're all either old or I am not physically attracted to them. Obviously I am just not desperate enough, because I pass up all these sweet 40-year-olds and unattractive people... I don't think I have high standards, either. I'll date someone who's not hot, and I don't even like 'fit' guys. I mean, come on I practically have a fetish for glasses and programming! --I should really get over that programming one. I have never met a non-asshole programmer. Programmers are out. I am making a memo!-- Point is, it's not like I'm wanting some super hawt indie-rock heart throb! I would go on a date with one if he seemed pleasant and agreeable and wanted to date me, but I don't want to lower my standards to people I'm not attracted to! I mean...why isn't anyone attracted to me?!
People say I'm pretty and funny and sweet and smart but then no one wants to date me...They'll be my friend and they might want to have casual sex with me but not date me. Not actually get into a romantic relationship with me.
Really, I shouldn't even be thinking about this kind of thing any more. So no one wants to be romantic with me or cuddle with me or even kiss me, or -god forbid!-- start a family with me... I've got other things to worry about.
Like how I'm an idiot. And I need to get my massage license and a better job. One that actually needs me around so I can have a little self-respect. I should get my motorcycle license so I can get a scooter that I've wanted for forever. Fill all this extra time that I am apparently never going to fill with people and love with work and success...
Larry called me today. I'm done paying off my tuition... Aren't you happy for me? No one commented on my facebook post...
