I'm in a horrible mood today; I was in a worse mood yesterday. I'll probably be okay tomorrow, though. I just feel like 'go ahead and ignore me, everyone else does'. Pretty self-pittying mood, but things just don't generally happen the way I want them to. Part of it is just me being lazy, sure, but the other part is controled by other people, and I can't make someone do something. Even if I could, I don't think I would; that just seems wrong.
No one wants to date me. That's basically the jist of this shit-tastic mood. And I need, need, NEED to take my massage exam. I have an interview with BookPeople, though. Just got it. SUPER excited.
I'm considering Paul. Not saying I'm actually going to ask him out, but he's a nice guy, and he's always been nice, and I'm pretty sure he'd be more understanding about my short-comings than most would. But I'm not attracted to him. I mean, I've had moments of attraction, but I can't tell how much they coincide with horniness, and I really like Paul; I don't just want to start something I don't think would last. How selfish. It's the same with Dylon. I don't really know him as well as Paul, but he's Kay's friend (plus some) and I don't want to mess things up with him and have things just go to shit from there. I want to be in a relationship, but I don't want to screw up other relationships, whether they're mine or someone elses, for the sake of a warm lap and sex.
I think the worst part is that I don't understand why no one seems to want to date me. Is it the way I look or act, or do I just have an air about me that says "DO NOT DATE"? I don't know. I don't want to believe it's how I act, above anything else, because I like my personality. I am loving and honest and maintain a childish inosense that most lose in Jr. High. I speak my mind, I don't play head games, I try not to have expectations for a relationship and just go with the flow. So then I think it must be how I look, but I don't think I look too bad. I mean, girls tell me I look pretty or hot or cute all the time; I don't know if I should believe them, though, as my experience with men says the opposite. The other option is that I have a "DO NOT DATE" air. I feel like a crazy bitch, or a slut, or like someone who wouldn't put out. I don't even know if it has anything to do with sex at all! But it's hard to imagine a guy thinking I wouldn't be a good mother or that I don't look like the committment type. So, I have no idea. I'm undesireable, and that's all I know. Men do not want to date me. Some want to have sex with me, but none want to date me. It really makes me disgusted with myself to think I'm that kind of person. I'm not that kind of person, but apparently I seem like I am to some guys. Or maybe any girl with boobs or eye make-up seems like that to those kind of guys. Don't know, don't care.
I have to apologize for things I previously said about Kay. I talked to her Sunday, on the way back from RenFair, and I don't think she's trying to be attention seeking. I think she's just always thinking and worrying about Perry, her marriage, and her life. She told me in the car that she had always thought, growing up, that getting married was something that she was just supposed to do, and that it would complete her, but now she's realized that it doesn't. She was a complete person before, and that she thinks she's made a mistake. She also said that although she regrets marrying Perry, that she's not ready to not be married. Or she's not ready to throw the towel in just yet, which I respect. I just hope she realizes that there can be a limit to how much she can take. She can say 'okay, if this is still shitty in 5 years, that's it'. I don't think anyone would think less of her. I mean, all the other girls we know that got married and got divorced, got divorced within like, the first one or two years. Even I think that's a bit unreasonable...I just don't want her to be miserable in marriage for the same kind of innocent ignorance that I think is behind her getting married to begin with...