I know I've said it before, but my life just sucks. I cut myself this past week because it got to a point of suckage where I just couldn't stand it anymore. I can't tolerate it anymore. I mean, if it's JUST life, everything's routine, I don't have to think about anything, then I'm fine. It's not the best, but it's just what's going on. Nothing else is going on. I don't have to think about maybe getting a job somewhere or maybe getting a boyfriend or maybe, maybe, MAYBE, etc... Something MIGHT just happen! It never DOES, but hey! it might! MAYBE!

Hope has got to be the worst curse on the planet. My month-to-month life is like consistently being Christian and finding out there is no heaven. Every month I have faith in something, then it comes to the end of that whatever-it-is, and it's not there. The cake was a motherfucking LIE. And EVERYTIME, I believe there's going to be some god damn cake. Because I'm retarded.

I just keep freaking out. I mean, I know all this bullshit doesn't even matter, but I keep getting SO upset about it and crying until I almost throw up. I have a job. It sucks, and I don't have anything to gain, socially, from it, but it's a paycheck. I mean, I was alone, boyfriendless and pretty much friendless for a really long time, so why do I need all that now? Why do I have to make such a big deal out of it?

Four months ago, or so, I didn't care. At least, I didn't care as much... So I'm going to die alone and my cats will eat bits of me before my mum will find my corpse because she's the only one who really comes by regularly...

It's not like NO one cares about me... I just never see them...

Maybe I should kill myself. On a Monday. That way at least the cats won't eat bits of me. Would it be better to end it now than to go on seeing if it'll get better? I mean, there are moments, even an occasional solid year of good times, satisfaction and fulfillment. Even then I'm still depressed under it all though.

How long can I keep living like this?